I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
