So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
