I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
