It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
