I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
