Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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