im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
