I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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