I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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