I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize