Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize