My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
