Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
