Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
