Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
