You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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