i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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