in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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