he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
