Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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