we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
