Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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