I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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