My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
