Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
