OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
