But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
