note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
