I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
