I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize