she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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