Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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