Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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