I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
