Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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