how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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