I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
