I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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