Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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