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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
