I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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