Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
