Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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