Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
