apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
