I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
