So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
