So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
