take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i will never coherently bang her
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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