the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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