My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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