I'm really into asian looking animals
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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