I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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