By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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