I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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