Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
