After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
