There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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