The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
