Your face is a jimmy john
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
